Update:
So. It's roughly 5:00 AM as I'm beginning this. I haven't slept all night.
I can't. I'm just walking in circles and circles.
Trying to assign meaning to the various words of the song "Stairway Generation" because I forgot several of the lyrics.
I found my flower.
It's been there, because I put it there, but I took it out, I read the note over, and I made sure everything was intact.
I'm not sure if I've discussed this before.
But there was a flower I really cared, made of cardboard plastic.
It's designed to look like a flower, and inside, there is a candle.
My friend gave it to me, but the candle isn't the real treat.
It was the note inside. It told me to not be so down all the time.
And that one day, things would work for me.
That I'd find love.
There was no reason she gave it to me. There was no good deed I had done.
She just gave it to me because I was feeling sad and hopeless.
She didn't even want anything from me. In fact, she was against even coming close to a relationship with me, despite my various advances.
Leaning against that candle is a card.
A card I received on my birthday.
You see, my birthday is a really big thing with me too.
My parents told me since I was little that we didn't do it because it was "taking attention away from god".
Then, last year, they admitted that was bullcrap; they just didn't want to spend the money.
I've only had one real birthday. Me, the girl I've been speaking of, and three other friends went to the mall.
My friend bought my very first book of manga. Little did he know what he started.
My other friend offered to buy lunch. I declined. I'm not bitter about it. He offered, and the thought was honestly what counted. He wanted to pay, and I faught him on it. I was still pretty happy he insisted so hard.
The third undescribed friend was just there. She didn't even give me a hug, or anything, really. It kind of made me a little sad, but the girl I've been speaking of made up for it a thousand times over.
She gave me a gift card, to the art store.
Where I would buy my first copics.
And in the name slot
She wrote "To:Maku-kun From:Kishini-senpai"
I loved it. SO MUCH.
Anyway, I'm off topic.
My birthday has always been a huge thing for me, because any time someone gets me something, it's somewhat filling the hole from my childhood.
I secretly wish for a huge party. It kind of makes me sad. Maybe it's my fault for not advertising it like other people do.
Continuing on my semi-ambiguous point.
Christmas is also a big thing for me.
Because my parents (yet again) told me that we didn't celebrate Christmas because "Jesus was proven to have been born in the summer".
My father also admitted that to be a lie. They just didn't want to spend the money.
For Christmas, the girl I've been talking and raving on about gave me a huge painting she did herself.
She worked on it for two weeks.
It was the best, and practically the only Christmas present I have ever gotten.
I was touched.
I may as well have been near tears, because my mind was beyond that.
Maybe the reason I was so dead-set on trying to woo her was because she made me feel so great about everything that was wrong back then.
She went back and tendered to the little part of me that was still hurting from what my parents have neglected me on.
I look back, and I feel so freaking stupid for trying to get her to go out with me.
It's even embarrassing to type, I find it hard to actually say what my intentions were, which is why I've been using euphemisms for "going out with" all over this.
I miss her.
I really do.
Not as someone to chase after
But someone who always thought about how I was feeling and at least legitimately tried to help.
When things went wrong, and I expected a fight
She'd stop herself, adjust, and keep going.
She wouldn't give up on trying to make me feel important, or stop trying to convince me I wasn't a loser.
And all things aside, I think that alone was the thing that made me feel important.
She didn't give up halfway through the conversation like everyone else.
She didn't make nonspecific plans to talk about it later then never attempt to speak again.
She wouldn't get mad at me and leave.
When I was down, she was down there with me trying to help me up.
That's loyalty.
That's morality.
That's what I've been looking for in a friend.
And I fucking missed my chance to enjoy it.
Not only that, she doesn't consider us as good friends anymore.
...
-sigh-.
It seems like I am the king of not enjoying things that could make me happy at the time.
Maybe it's not that I'm not happy
Maybe it's that I wasn't happy
And that old feeling won't go away.
Because at the time when these things were happening
I felt like crap. I don't understand myself anymore. I miss the old me.
I was thinking the other day
About what the old me would say to me right now.
I'm sure he'd be mad, deep inside.
It wouldn't be at me. It would be at the fact that he let this happen to himself.
And how he gave up on all of his friends
Despite all those damn speeches about never giving up
And that one quote
That still rings in my ears
That "If you truly believe in someone, you will stick with them until the end"
Which the old me could do.
No matter what.
I mean, I'm still me. I still act and think like I always have.
I'm just much less motivated.
And much more...scared.
The me that I liked is still down there, deep inside.
I just need to find a way to regain my confidence and self-worth.
A much more daunting task than it sounds. :[
What to do, what to do...

Journal Deletion Probability: 90%
^Chance that that is a bullshit statistic: 50%

Previous Journal:
I'm sick.
Body, mind, and spirit.
In the good news, I'm finally allowed to carry people in my car by my parents.
And Ikimonogakari released a new song that I love. Base Ball Bear, not to be outdone in my eyes, released their new song too.
And I loved it too.
[link] - "Stairway Generation", Base Ball Bear
[link] - "Hotaru No Hikari", Ikimonogakari.
They're both such good bands. I wish I had the main singer's voice (Base Ball Bear), and I love the Orchestra background in the Ikimonogakari song, as always.
I attempted to take a nap today, after having some friends over.
I ended up just thinking.
I'm tired of being wrong. So tired.
I just wish for once, I could be exactly right.
I wish that one day, I wouldn't fuck everything up in everyone else's eyes.
I want someone to understand.

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